Grumpy Vegan

The Grumpy Vegan day was dreaming recently and found myself thinking about some long-forgotten press reports in the British media that blamed animal rights activists for not warning the country about the foot and mouth (U.S. translation: hoof and mouth) disaster in 2001. This is not a fatal disease for cattle and pigs but it is an economically fatal disease to farmers and agribusiness interests. This is because meat from slaughtered, diseased animals is considered to be unfit for human consumption. As if there is fit meat for human consumption but that’s another matter.

The point here is the business of blaming animal rights activists for things that we don’t have any responsibility for other than we’re blamed for them when we aren’t listened to.

So, in my day dreaming, I began to imagine we will be blamed for global warming because it is commonly perceived that we flatulate more than nonvegans.

Now, I’m not an expert in farting — I think I know what it is — and I’m not sure if we clear our throats — so to speak — more than anyone else. But that’s always the nudge-nudge-wink-wink reaction to telling someone that you’re a vegan. Truth isn’t always the currency of the day, is it?

I can well imagine such fascist ideologues — like the ones who appear on Fox TV — spinning out some news story about how vegans are responsible for global warming because we fart more than anyone else. Cows fart and they’re vegans and we all know their methane contributes to global warming. Vegan methane is the same, isn’t it?

In fact, didn’t I catch the other day Rush Limbaugh claiming that?

It’s all the methane vegans produce from all their consumption of godless soy meat-like products being sold NOW in Whole Foods Markets across this righteous land.

Didn’t Bill O’Reilly say the other evening this?

We all know that cows are vegetarian. And look at the methane they produce. Vegans are killing our children!

It must be true: We’re a menace to society and responsible for all its ills.