Grumpy Vegan

The Leech replied with dignity that he excused the expression, though it hurt his feelings (on this he rubbed his eyes with the tip of his tail.) He was no quack, as the editor would perceive by reading the advertisement he desired to insert. It began thus:

“Mankind has been afflicted with colds in the head, it is believed, ever since the expulsion from Paradise. It may, indeed, be a question whether Adam was or was not afflicted in this manner previous to the fall; but as in all things we perceive a beautiful and unerring fitness, the chances are that he was not, as there were evidently no pocket-handkerchiefs at the time, and a fig-leaf can not be thought of as a substitute in this case. However this be, there is little room for doubt, considering the costume of our early parents, that they must have taken cold at a very early period of their sinful career. It harrows every sensitive mind to reflect that the beauteous Eve–whose picture is so admirably drawn by the divine Milton–must have spoken at times through her nose, and been compelled to use her apron for purposes which we shrink from describing. Nor can it be questioned but Cain–”

“Sir,” said the Editor to the Leech, after glancing at the remaining portion of the manuscript, “what on earth have you to do with Eve’s nose? What will it profit you to publish a history of colds in the head, at ten cents per line?”

“My worthy friend,” replied the Leech, fastening on him, “that is my business, not yours. Be careful to publish my address in small caps, cast side of the frog-pond, hole No. 496. So long as you are paid your price, you don’t care what you publish, do you?”

“Oh! certainly not,” replied the Editor, who knew his trade.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part 14 in a series of 19]

On recommendation of the Cockatoo, a newspaper was established, to be the organ of the insurgent animals, under the title of the Daily Barker and Biter. The Chair, confessing his inexperience in such matters, called upon any brute present who felt competent to edit the paper, to rise and state his views. Four hundred and sixty-three animals immediately rose and professed their willingness to undertake the duties of editor, and spoke confidently of their ability.

The Kangaroo, who had been appointed Secretary of the Treasury, felt it to be his duty to state that, his pouch being empty, the post of editor would not be a salaried one for the present. Four hundred and sixty-two of the candidates then declared that, on reflection, they felt satisfied that their occupations would not allow them to undertake the editorship. The remaining candidate, the Baboon, was forthwith appointed.

The Calf hoped that the new journal would be free from personalities; and suggested that, to secure this all-important point, no names should ever be mentioned in its columns. Carried unanimously.

The Turkey had seen so much mischief flow from party violence, that he trusted their organ would remain strictly neutral on all questions, and would express no opinions whatsoever. [Loud applause.] Carried nem. con.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part 13 in a series of 19]

“Dear Sir,–I fear you have misapprehended the Code of Honor. If you refer to the work on the subject by Governor Hair-Trigger, you will find that you have no right to choose weapons, but that the choice is ours, as we are the parties most anxious for the fight. For my own part, candidly, and as a friend of both parties, I can not see why your friend, Craven Hare, Esq., should object to fight with spurs.

“If, however, the meeting can not be arranged on any other terms, we are willing to waive our privilege, and to adopt the weapon of human duellists, the pistol. Very respectfully yours,
“Reynard Fox”

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part 12 in a series of 19]