Grumpy Vegan

Resolved, That as we may not succeed in exterminating the human race for some time to come, a prize of $500 be offered to the human creatures for the best poem descriptive of our declaration of independence, the same to be handed in to the office of the Evening Post, whose editors are hereby authorized to pay over the prize-money; also a prize for the best life of King Penguin, with a full account of his genealogy and early youth, in the style of Mayor Wood’s; also a prize for the best essay on the Rights of Brutes […]

These resolutions being put by the Penguin from the throne, were carried unanimously.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part 11 in a series of 19]

The meeting being organized, the Magpie read the following Resolutions:

Resolved, That it is our right, as it is our duty, to shake off the galling yoke of the human race, and to assert our paramount claims to the exclusive enjoyment of the earth; to resume our freedom in the forests, or the plains, or the swamps, as we please, and to lead the life which is best suited to our instincts.

Resolved, That work is a nuisance, and that any animal who proposes any form of labor, shall be handed over to a committee, consisting of the Lion, the Bear, and the Wolf.

Resolved, That all things shall be in common between us, and that no animal shall be permitted to claim any thing as his own.

Resolved, That carnivorous animals are earnestly solicited to try a vegetable diet, as more wholesome and more conducive to the comfort of the community than that to which they have been used.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part 10 in a series of 19]

The Penguin returned thanks. He would try to deserve their confidence. It was not in his nature to contradict any one. He had once tried fighting, but it was so foreign to his tastes that he fainted in the attempt. He would never do it again. He would do just what they wanted, and if he was advised differently by different counsellors, he would always be careful to follow the advice last received. As to his policy, man was to be overthrown, and he thought the best mode of achieving that end was to preserve a “masterly inactivity.” The Penguin spoke at some length in a strain of piercing eloquence, quoting Hail Columbia, Shakespeare, and Martin Farquhar Tupper.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part nine in a series of 19]

A second ballot was taken as follows: The Lion 261; The Dog 42; The Monkey 294; The Cock 1; Scattering 147.

After this ballot a conference took place between the leading friends of the Lion, the Dog, and the Monkey. The Lion’s friends claimed for him the Presidency of right, and quoted Aesop, Phaedrus, La Fontaine, Gay, and other writings of men to prove his divine right to the supremacy of beasts. The Monkey observed that the world had got over these old notions; that democracy was the only sensible form of government for the present age; and urged upon his rivals to withdraw, as the majority of the convention were evidently in his favor.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part eight in a series of 19]

What claim had the Dog to the supremacy of the brutes? Had he not notoriously taken the side of their oppressors from time immemorial? He would go so far in his respect for man as to admit that he had given them a hint of which they should profit. He (man) had given to one animal the name of the King of Beasts. He was entitled to it. he was a King. He anticipated their applause when he nominated for President the noblest denizen of the forest, the Lion.

The Animal Declaration of Independence Harper’s January 1857 [edited extract being part seven in a series of 19]