Going to the Movies

The Grumpy Vegan went to the local cine-multi-epic-plex for the second time since moving to Bonkers by the Sea nearly four years ago. Twas not a pretty experience. Let’s here it for the man in the seat behind mine who periodically stabbed his knee into my back.

Countless numbers of people coughing and spluttering. No doubt spreading a myriad of diseases and infections and viruses. We sat like rats in a sealed test tube in what smelt like air captured when the old theatre was converted into the cine-multi-epic-plex however many years ago. So many years, so much flatulence and syrupy cola and sweetened popcorn cooked like a boil-in-the-bag curry.

All this, before even the cinematic program began.

Not having a telly chez nous it is always a culture shock to see what most people watch all the time. Ads. Watching what seemed like an infinite supply of images which assumed watchers were either imbeciles or frustrated and powerless men, we sat as we were hectored and shamed. You, too, need a shiny black car that will drive itself in a race with you to the top of a multi-story car park. Huh? You, too, also need another shiny black car which, for reasons beyond the imagination of most as I looked around at the blank faces of those seated near me, sped down a straight road in some unknown dessert, executed a tyre-screeching u-turn knocking over a glass of water on a table sitting in the middle of the road (huh?), speeding off from the direction it came so that it could reverse up a passing large car carrier. Or something like that. Did I say boring? Oh! There was an ad pleading with us to go to Australia. Who can ever forget the look of desperation on the faces of Australians in the ad singing something that must’ve been written by whomever is responsible for “I want to teach the world to drink cola” or was it “sing”? Don’t think I’ll be going there if that’s what Aussies do all day.

Then, there are the trailers. Boring trailers. The one about two brothers who have to sort out their relationship in public in a boxing ring for reasons unclear and I certainly didn’t care about. Is Jerry Springer play the referee? Boring. The remake of True Grit. Boring. Some silly comedy about an ET hitchhiker. Boring. Oh, something else which did not even impact my memory so there’s no recollection of it. Other than it was boring.

So, the Grumpy Vegan, concluded, “Lots of money saved because none of the products are ones that I’d like to buy and none of the films are ones that I’d like to see.” Super well-paid advertising executives and film makers please note: I don’t like being talked to as if I’m an idiot. Idiot though I maybe in some things.

Then, there’s the feature film, The King’s Speech. A well made film expertly acted that failed to engage me. You know when films aren’t working when you start wondering why such and such an actor did this or said that. Or why, as in the King’s Speech, the characters descend in a lift to what looks like a top-floor studio with a skylight. Oh well. Details. Details. Boring details.

The ads and the films are all about impressionistic images. Yes, I know that’s what the cinematic experience is all about. But some impressions are more effective than others. In fact, it seems increasingly that every image is geared toward a sterile measured calculation to move the viewer in a particular way. My emotions feel as if they’re being moved around with all the sensitivity of a fork-lift truck. Subtle it ain’t. Except for one in 100 these manipulative images simply don’t work for me. I’m bored by them. Bored also by the fatuous plots. Bored by the ridiculous plot devices. Bored by the animatronic acting. Bored by the whole frigging lot. In fact, I think the cinema experience is dead. Movie-making died years ago. Even our local, cherished indie movie house seems to specialise in films I can’t be asked to be bothered with.

So, what are we left with? No telly at home. Watching DVDs on cherished Apple MacBooks. LoveFilm enter stage left.

Subscribing to LoveFilm is a contradiction in terms. I know Amazon has just bought LoveFilm but whoever ran it before clearly didn’t love film. Appalling search functions on their Web site. Boring selection of films. Dirty and broken DVDs. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Going to the movies used to be enjoyable. Now it’s all about the technology. 3d being the latest. I’m just not interested in seeing boring films even when they’re made in 3d.

Our local cine-multi-epic-plex and artie movie house will no doubt survive without me forking over my hard-earned cash. But it would be nice, now and then, to enjoy going out locally to see a film I would like to see.

But the Grumpy Vegan isn’t holding his breath.